When the pieces settle

At some point I heard your song again 

And I didn’t cry

Or even notice that I didn’t 

Until I realized I sang the harmony

But the melody was missing

You nod your head in passing

And we walk our separate ways

But I remember you February fondly

Blue sweater silver sunglasses 

And I smile

And you come looking for me 

In the snow and 

I hardly see you there 

And you want to say hello 

So we stand outside hair whiter by the moment

Until I drive away

Time heals all and covers up the love that once was there 

But your voice on the phone brings it back in a moment 

Your voice and your name take me back to the time when it was just you and me and a million stars 

Dancing under a full moon in the valley

Swaying and turning like time 

But I stop and remember it’s over 

Remembering’s not realistic

And I hang up and go about my day 

Next year will be better now that I’ve let you go 

Next year will be easier when I don’t feel it anymore 

If it comes back it’s yours they say

But I don’t want it to be that way  

I let you go but I’m the one who’s gone

Mountain

You don’t get to live on the mountaintop
You’ve got to come home sometime
You’ll climb again
You don’t wake up and make your breakfast on the stage
After the lights come up
You’ll sing again
If you want to
Do what you need to do
Take all the time you need
All that you want to be
Is in your reach
But you have to climb

Enchanted

Texas was simple and seemed universal

Louisiana happened along the way

Washington could have been home for forever 

But I loved it too much to stay

Illinois was full; there was never a future for me

And I set off again

I don’t know if I want to live here forever so I guess I will anyway

In this land of contradictions, sun and snow and monsoon rain

I’m afraid to go out until I’m out there

As I rest by the water I find

I’m enchanted and I’m here

Leaving nothing behind 

I’m not sure how I fit in here

A blank page in an epic history

I feel so unprepared and so sheltered 

But I can’t build this wall around me 

So I walk on these unstable rocks and pebbles under the Milky Way 

I want to keep moving but stay 

I don’t know what I’m doing, I never really did, but it doesn’t matter anyway

In the city different I’ve learned that no matter where I go I’m always the same 

I’m afraid to go out until I’m out there

As I rest by the water I find

I’m enchanted and I’m here

Leaving nothing behind 

California is full of all that glitters 

But the gold has been gone for some time

New York’s got it all and then some, I saw

But I don’t need the world at my feet, thanks, I’m fine

Colorado’s deceptively uncomplicated

But I haven’t traversed its heights

Home is where you hang your hat and your coat 
Right now they’re here and they’re mine

I don’t know what I’m doing, I never really did, but it doesn’t matter anyway

In the city different I’ve learned that no matter where I go I’m always the same 

I’m afraid to go out until I’m out there

As I rest by the water I find

I’m enchanted and I’m here

Leaving nothing behind 

Glyph

An arbitrary collection of lines

When combined in the right form

Reveals an architecture divine 

Without compare

I learned to draw my own

Before I understood the meanings

When you split, add, recombine

The arches, curves, and lines 

Before I found more beautiful 

The ones that represent the ones I love

Let me take my pen and draw you

Though I don't understand light, or shadow, or color

Let me immortalize you just the same

I just need to know your name 

Praise Song

(written October 2014)

Your name has long echoed in these fading strains
A forgotten chord played years ago but first in centuries past
Praised by those who claimed to know God's favorite tune
But in your hands (that have strummed too much of the world)
It's a song of defiance, not devotion
Of anger, not angels
And to obey, the devotee must rebel

She who sings prays twice, they said
So I run the tape back
And raise my voice to multiply it fourfold
The blood runs from ears, to heart, to sky as an offering
Collected in a cymbal and returned to me renewed
As a heavy silence rolls in

Solstice Alexandrine

If you arrive in white against this winter sky
I won't remember if you'd ever come, or why
I'd called you to my side, or if I'd called at all
Or if I'd dreamt our meeting, lonely in my mind

If you arrive in blue, the rainy season's end
Has come along with you, the one who I call friend
The clouds will clear away, the whitest flowers sway
And maybe you will stay through autumn's gathering-in

If you arrive in red, adorned in burning flame,
The words you left unsaid, the love without a name
Blooms in prismatic hues, in courage and in truth,
And love will be with you, always and still the same

If you arrive in black upon these shortest days
And you do not turn back, but on untrodden ways
You chart your path with light, creating stars for sight,
Then out of deepest night you'll set the world ablaze

If you arrive in gold, the summer will return
But tales and songs of old, from which we can't but learn
Remind us it will pass, the warmth that never lasts,
And in the end we have just moments, and we yearn

You'll arrive in season, or maybe out of time
You don't need a reason, I don't need a rhyme
But I'll wait in this snow, then when it's late you'll go
And when you're gone I'll know each second is sublime

The sky opens up

They gave the prodigal son a feast on his return
And the teary-eyed family was reunited
Memories of years before fondly recalled at the dinner table
But there was more to the conversation --
The things he had learned, he wanted to share
The old stories told week after week, he had seen those places
And they were nothing like we thought! Can you imagine, he said,
How we have made heroes of ordinary men
And lived this legend
As if it were the only one existing?
But there's so many more, much more, dozens, thousands,
The sky opens up when you turn your eyes to it --
And the table grows quiet
The clatter of dishes deafening
The youngest ones visibly disturbed
And the elders excusing themselves in silence

And there is talk, behind closed doors, in the library, in the study
He has lived so well on his own
He has learned so much; a credit to the clan
But it is for the best that this home,
At once familiar and strange in his eyes,
Be only a place of temporary respite
For there is no longer a place for him here

The way you are

The word for the way you are
Does not exist in my language
Which is why I fall silent
As you appear,
The angle of your smile
The waterfall of words
The logical conclusion
Of a microcosm's history
Standing in front of me

As you disappear,
First with apologies,
Then with nothing
And the silence says
As much as the smile

I pore over texts and volumes
In twenty-seven languages
Learning grammar, context, culture
Hoping to stumble
Over a protagonist's description
To solve the mystery of you

Until the day arrives
Until the perfect word is found
The description, the explanation
Until then,
Silence will speak for me

Perspective

What used to be obsidian
Now sparkling black like mica
But the properties never changed
Only my angle of vision did
What did I see? How did I see?
How had I not seen before?
I close my eyes now
Only matte neutral colors remain
But for a few moments I glimpsed
Here on the solid earth's surface
An entire universe of stars
In a dark corner of the afternoon sky

Sin miedo (without fear)

I blame circumstance, but it all is my decision
I can choose to go and shine or I can stay and hide the reasons
For my hesitance, my imperfections holding me at bay
And the perfect life I strive for turns and looks the other way
The excuses are all mine and I'll gladly tell the lies
Hiding in these walls of fear I'll blame it all on time
Hours, minutes, seconds, are the victim of the day
And we waste them and we're hasty and we throw it all away
But what if I said yes? If the promises I kept
Had potential to undo me until there is nothing left?
Do I take the leap and go or do I stay with what I know?
It's only when the seed-pods fly that we begin to grow
What awaits me I can't say, but I smell the sound of rain
And as the clouds on my horizon gather, grow, and change
I too must do the same and perhaps this is the way
And I know that I'm not perfect, but I'll heed the call - I heard it -
Because I know and so do you, "we just regret what we don't do
So dare yourself and know it's true -- you're full of love and they'll love you"

The soul of the heart

Miracoco exhibit, Washington State Univeristy, 2014

Perhaps this might be the last time
I sit on the floor
The last time I balance
Against the walls of this breathing building
Alone -- as before -- by design
The eye in my mind reflects an iris
Green, blue, amber
And the memories of a thousand summers return
I have lost my sense of direction, lost so much
As my filters refine
To illuminate the relevant
Highlight the logical
And scoff at a half hour of return to the time
When time was flexible
And memories of tomorrow abounded
When colors were relative
And the smallest wings of the fly
Shone in iridescent brilliance
When the moon would come if invited
To share in my own night sky and
The grass and
Flowers and
Insect wings
I have lost so much
But I know exactly what to do with the little I have left
So this may be the last time
I feel the walls wrap around me
Can't they lull me to sleep
One more time?

Liquid inspiration

I remember when your words
Broke through my walls
And I had to temper them with caffeine
One, two, endless cups of coffee
With each new idea,
Each mind-blossom opening --
Barista, hit me again.

When you fall in love
You drown yourself in wine
But when you fall in love with words
You crave more
Energy
Awareness
Conversation
Why does the café close at 9?

I'd invite you home,
But that kind of coffee
Has unintended meanings
So let's just go our separate ways
And try to sleep
Despite the chemical buzz
And the words ringing in our heads
That we can't forget
Or shut off

Maybe the night

Maybe the night gives me focus

To bring back warmth that once was real

The highwire, the dazzling upward spiral

Forward motion now no more than a memory

The lush fabric of longing reduced to threads

Fluttering in the wind

With love on my lips

And a minor second, minor third

I try to re-weave in song

The silk that surrounded,

Surrendered to endless possibility

Yet all is not possible

In the arid climate of reality

And only a shadow of what was now remains

Maybe the night gives me moments

Drops of the past in the present

A small taste, enough just to feel it

Then the waves swell away from the shore

I know it! I knew, and remember

Until it fades away

With love in my prayers

I return to the start

The air splashing over me

Yet if only the ocean...

If the hurricane came without warning

If it blew through life to destroy me

I would stand in the destruction

And forever remember the wind

To K, with chagrin

For you, I have handpicked these words
Cultivated, curated,
The most beautiful syllables
To befit your presence

I know that these chosen words are worthy of you
As they drift off into spirals and curls
Of perfectly-expressed sentiment.

You suddenly surprise me
With your graciousness
And love

And I want to tell you that the hours are a well I cannot draw from
That so many things are left undone
Bleary eyes, painful head, searching for the splendor
That you steal from the skies
That I cannot sleep
But I cannot wake up
That I am surrounded by gifts
I have no idea what to do with
Except for the one with the words
This life, this privileged existence
A blinding flash of gold
And yet I long for all the colors of the rainbow
And the earth below

But these words are not for you.
Here, then, are yours:

I am endlessly thankful, dear friend,
For your graciousness and love
The reminder of a shining moment and the glimmer of a dream
The embodiment of nostalgia for a moment yet to come
My gift to you,
Wrapped up in a ribbon
And tossed toward the stars.

The best

Your star shone so brightly
On those nights, those hours,
Tuesday after Tuesday
I close my eyes tightly
Against the light that's faded
Though the clouds block the way

What if there was a clear sky
(A never ending bliss)
What if there was an open line
(I cannot access this)
What if I've given all my best
(And it is not enough)
What if I'd simply never left
(And interrupted love)

The sky, the line, the best, is mine
My city is a memory left behind
I'm here, and I will stay alive
If you don't leave my mind's eye

I'm lost in the desert
And the warmth of my rock
Is fading in the night
I thought it was heaven
But I shout in the void
And I wonder, who were you
And how did you shine so bright

No reason to keep thinking

(It never does me good)

Or question what I'm seeing

(As if I ever would)

I'm always left assuming

(That's where I fall behind)

That I am always losing

(There goes my peace of mind)

The sky, the line, the best, is mine
My city is a memory left behind
I'm here, and I will stay alive
If I believe my mind's eye

Immersion

There is a wall and it is forbidden to break it down
Crossing requires a visa
And an unexpired passport
I stand on my side
Staring at the inscriptions written thereon
Understanding in part. Not in whole.

What if I did?
What if I could?
Who would I appear to be?
How will they see me?
The same as always; same as before
But that can never be.
There is a wall and it is forbidden to break it down.

Then--
In the moments before sleep becomes dreams
The veil becomes thin
Opaque becomes translucent and forgetting the risks
I step through
I live the language of the other side
The inscriptions the songs of my heart
As I drown in midnight rest
Euphoria, oxytocin, a complete understanding.

Midnight is long enough
Only to sustain the desire
I wake up to English
But the memory of the image remains
Giving me a reason to find a way around
Because there is a wall and it is forbidden to break it down.

Internal motivation

If you exist at all,
Then you must be omnipresent
Except for the vacancy inside me
I reach out in the right ways
I chant your name, your names,
Ninety-nine, one hundred and eight, and three
A mantra, a novena, and a text message
But I hear nothing in response
They say give your first fruits, your best,
But these forced words are all I have
I cannot think to offer you this.

Then in an irrational moment
Dressed only in thin gossamer drape,
I abandon my creation to your hands
And only then realize what I have done.

With nothing left to do but wait, I wake
And I sleep, and I dream of music
That does not, cannot exist
Because my notes are in between the notes
And no word comes, not in all this time,
And the days pass, and I search — and find —
I cry Eureka in the face of every stone
But I am no philosopher
I cannot claim the things that are not mine
And I live my life so far from your sky.

The only place that you are not
Is where I need you most to be
In lieu, I will transform the vacancy
Into my music room
Where I will sing the songs that reach
No further than my own heart
It is better that you do not enter in,
But should you choose to come,
You are ever welcome.

Two sets of eyes

Eyes, your eyes
Never deviating from your destination
Eyes that inspire, eyes that ignite
That remind me of the reasons behind every song ever written
And why I no longer sing
Selfsame eyes that give pause
That turn me to my books
And away from my music --
The one thing that sets me free
The same path leads to the same destination
Time and time again
This time my destination will change
A slight detour,
A turn toward a book
Away from the lights
And into the mind
Eyes that look within, my eyes
That search for the words I want to say
But still fill with tears
When a note is plucked
Or a syllable sung
Green eyes filled not with the jealousy of those
Whose paths were straighter
But with the freshness of the words on my page
And the world around me
Not the eyes
In front of me

Silence

written September 15, 2000

For awhile I need this silence
In order to comprehend
Or simply to remember that this truly is September
Beyond the shadows
Here and now
Without and within
And with all that I ever am
I have decided to live in pursuit
Of what is gentle, what is beautiful
And find the meaning in the patterns
In the subtle ways I will change
To love the meaning in itself; the noblest end
But now I will live in this beauty
This September
When the spotlight moon illuminates this terran stage
Through the trees; in the light everything rebecomes the words I wrote
Beyond the shadows
Living in autumn in perfection of the image
Reaffirming dreams
And drawing them to conclusion: chapter or volume?
In the silence revisited from deep within
There is nothing
Transcending even joy

One hour of sky

Today I come in thanks for one drop of grace

Amidst pain and farewell

And pavement and rotting leaves

I drank in one full hour

Of my urgent September sky

So many things have come 

To battle me, to knock me down

Yet I stand strong, smiling against odds

Then the gentle breeze of dusk

Sends me sobbing to my knees

You are here, you will be here

This is all yours, these cries,

This reverie, this context, this trouble

All this and more, so much more,

So much precious

If it is only a pebble to you, I implore you,

Hold it as a ruby; but even if you kick it

With your gold-sandaled feet,

Scattering it into anonymity,

It cannot be destroyed

In the same scope of eternity,

September is forever yours--

All but my one hour

Of urgent, scathing, melting,

soothing sapphire autumn sky.