Praise Song

(written October 2014)

Your name has long echoed in these fading strains
A forgotten chord played years ago but first in centuries past
Praised by those who claimed to know God's favorite tune
But in your hands (that have strummed too much of the world)
It's a song of defiance, not devotion
Of anger, not angels
And to obey, the devotee must rebel

She who sings prays twice, they said
So I run the tape back
And raise my voice to multiply it fourfold
The blood runs from ears, to heart, to sky as an offering
Collected in a cymbal and returned to me renewed
As a heavy silence rolls in

Sin miedo (without fear)

I blame circumstance, but it all is my decision
I can choose to go and shine or I can stay and hide the reasons
For my hesitance, my imperfections holding me at bay
And the perfect life I strive for turns and looks the other way
The excuses are all mine and I'll gladly tell the lies
Hiding in these walls of fear I'll blame it all on time
Hours, minutes, seconds, are the victim of the day
And we waste them and we're hasty and we throw it all away
But what if I said yes? If the promises I kept
Had potential to undo me until there is nothing left?
Do I take the leap and go or do I stay with what I know?
It's only when the seed-pods fly that we begin to grow
What awaits me I can't say, but I smell the sound of rain
And as the clouds on my horizon gather, grow, and change
I too must do the same and perhaps this is the way
And I know that I'm not perfect, but I'll heed the call - I heard it -
Because I know and so do you, "we just regret what we don't do
So dare yourself and know it's true -- you're full of love and they'll love you"

Thousand Times

You, standing over there, flyaway hair
Toss it back, the wind will catch it -- picture perfect --
As you've always been
Standing next to him
I've already had my chance
I wouldn't change the past

Too many lies, I've heard a thousand times
The words they bounce right off me
I'll let it be, I'll let you be
Let it go and let you go your way
(Hope it always goes your way)

You smile and say he's flawless
Inside his mind is lawless
His eyes they are the mirror
His soul you'll see it clearer
You will drown in them and then
You'll soon regret unless you're just like him

He says he speaks a different language (when he goes on)
But it's just equivocation (let the wind blow on)

Too many lies, I've heard a thousand times
The words they bounce right off me
I'll let it be, I'll let you be
Let it go and let you go your way
(I hope it always goes your way)

To K, with chagrin

For you, I have handpicked these words
Cultivated, curated,
The most beautiful syllables
To befit your presence

I know that these chosen words are worthy of you
As they drift off into spirals and curls
Of perfectly-expressed sentiment.

You suddenly surprise me
With your graciousness
And love

And I want to tell you that the hours are a well I cannot draw from
That so many things are left undone
Bleary eyes, painful head, searching for the splendor
That you steal from the skies
That I cannot sleep
But I cannot wake up
That I am surrounded by gifts
I have no idea what to do with
Except for the one with the words
This life, this privileged existence
A blinding flash of gold
And yet I long for all the colors of the rainbow
And the earth below

But these words are not for you.
Here, then, are yours:

I am endlessly thankful, dear friend,
For your graciousness and love
The reminder of a shining moment and the glimmer of a dream
The embodiment of nostalgia for a moment yet to come
My gift to you,
Wrapped up in a ribbon
And tossed toward the stars.

The best

Your star shone so brightly
On those nights, those hours,
Tuesday after Tuesday
I close my eyes tightly
Against the light that's faded
Though the clouds block the way

What if there was a clear sky
(A never ending bliss)
What if there was an open line
(I cannot access this)
What if I've given all my best
(And it is not enough)
What if I'd simply never left
(And interrupted love)

The sky, the line, the best, is mine
My city is a memory left behind
I'm here, and I will stay alive
If you don't leave my mind's eye

I'm lost in the desert
And the warmth of my rock
Is fading in the night
I thought it was heaven
But I shout in the void
And I wonder, who were you
And how did you shine so bright

No reason to keep thinking

(It never does me good)

Or question what I'm seeing

(As if I ever would)

I'm always left assuming

(That's where I fall behind)

That I am always losing

(There goes my peace of mind)

The sky, the line, the best, is mine
My city is a memory left behind
I'm here, and I will stay alive
If I believe my mind's eye

Internal motivation

If you exist at all,
Then you must be omnipresent
Except for the vacancy inside me
I reach out in the right ways
I chant your name, your names,
Ninety-nine, one hundred and eight, and three
A mantra, a novena, and a text message
But I hear nothing in response
They say give your first fruits, your best,
But these forced words are all I have
I cannot think to offer you this.

Then in an irrational moment
Dressed only in thin gossamer drape,
I abandon my creation to your hands
And only then realize what I have done.

With nothing left to do but wait, I wake
And I sleep, and I dream of music
That does not, cannot exist
Because my notes are in between the notes
And no word comes, not in all this time,
And the days pass, and I search — and find —
I cry Eureka in the face of every stone
But I am no philosopher
I cannot claim the things that are not mine
And I live my life so far from your sky.

The only place that you are not
Is where I need you most to be
In lieu, I will transform the vacancy
Into my music room
Where I will sing the songs that reach
No further than my own heart
It is better that you do not enter in,
But should you choose to come,
You are ever welcome.